Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Control and Need

Losing control was an idea, because I never had it. The freedom I feel of knowing the truth that everybody is free to chose and like what they want is liberating and lovely. I used to think happiness was going to come from controlling outcomes, but now I see with total clarity that happiness comes from seeing truly how things work. People do what they want, like what they like, say what they say and do what they do. There is no controlling anybody. You couldn't keep your parents from lying to you, from abusing you, from misleading you. It's not your fault. There is no controlling life. If your partner wants to venture off out the relationship, he or she will. If your partner doesn't like a certain aspect of your personality or looks, that's just the way it is. You can't teach your lover to love all of you and you can't be angry if your lover fails to completely accept you and love you and like you as you are. It's not possible. You can't make somebody love themselves either and you can't really teach anybody anything. You can't give anything to anybody, you can only live. Living is the only thing we can do - and attempting to control out of fear is a product of not understanding that you are safe and that you don't really need people to love you, understand you, like you, accept you or care for you. Wanting these things are left overs from infancy when you did need these things in order to survive. But once you grow into a greater state of maturity all these needs become imaginary - and they're imprints from your fears as an infant. I need to be loved, I need to be heard, I need to be understood, I need to be accepted, I need to be embraced, I need to be cared for, I need to be trusted, I need to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable, I need to feel warm, all these ideas are deep beliefs that keep us expecting more and more out of others. I need to be respected, I need to be admired, I need to be heard, I need to be seen, I need to be celebrated. I need role models, I need people to look up to, I need honest people, I need true people, I need smart people, I need friends, I need lovers, I need closeness, I need intimacy, I need attention, I need sex, I need comfort, I need consistency, I need safety, I need truth, all these are fear-based, childish demands that we become unconsciously addicted to. I need fame, I need power, I need respect, I need, I need, I need. I need somebody to sleep with, I need somebody to care for, I need somebody to care for me, I need someone I can trust, I need someone who can trust me, I need to get married, I need to have kids, I need to have something, I need, I need, I need. How painful to live a life from here. If I don't get my needs, I won't survive - I am afraid of death. The power of these driving forces is amazing, they literally take over our body-minds. I need to be special, I need to feel special, I need to feel safe, I need to feel secure. I need to feel beautiful, I need to feel admired, I need to feel protected, I need God, I need friends, I need life, I need beliefs, I need thoughts, I need feelings, I need, I need, I need. I need freedom, I need liberation, I need enlightenment, I need rest, I need something. Need drives the whole show. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to see, I need to awaken, I need to survive, I need to love, I need to care, I need to be. I need something, I need a lot, I need a little, I need to doubt, I need to question, I need to ask, I need to learn, I need to gather, I need to describe, I need to talk, I need to write, I need to hear, I need to listen, I need to go, I need to come. Compulsion, compulsion, compulsion. I need to fix, I need to criticize, I need to talk, I need to say, I need to share, I need to save, I need to type, I need to... Need, need, need, need, need. I need to relax, I need to lose weight, I need to balance, I need to stress, I need to get, I need to go, I need to stay, I need... I need to control.