Tuesday, June 23, 2015
The waves of writing take over yet again. The gates have swung open yet again. And none has been under my control. What a predicament to feel so real yet no be. To feel and believe that one is in control when there is no one at all. It's all so cryptic yet so clear. To a soul that has seen it, that is. I am writing yet I'm not and that paradox drives the false I insane. But when is the false I sane, if ever? I say never. For the insane believe that the unreal is real and it reacts to such beliefs. Its behavior gets taken and influenced. God please take me. Sanity go ahead and take the wheel. For the madness is depressing this system to a point of disgust that can't be spoken. There is no argument. None at all.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
Boy, growing up can certainly feel like a big old wake-up call. Funny I say that, because for a while I've been quite interested in the idea of "waking up" spiritually. The phrase "spiritual awakening" must have been one of my favorite ideas ever. And that's probably because of the low background suffering that I've lived with all my life. Yes, suffering. I know it sounds dramatic, but I would be lying if I called it anything other than that. I reiterate that it is indeed suffering because a lot of people seem to downplay what I'm talking about simply because it's become "normal." So much so that many don't even feel or are aware of what I'm talking about. "It's just life," many say. But let me convince you - since I want to. Do you often hear others and even yourself say things like "Life's a bitch and then you die"? How about "people are selfish"? What about "People are evil"? How about "we are all slaves"? Or what about just your plain everyday "life sucks"? Sound familiar at all? Same-old-shit, I'm sick of this life, why does it have to be so difficult, this world is hell... familiar yet? Hey - maybe it's just me, and maybe I just assume that it's everybody. But I don't think I'm so off that I would imagine that many people on this earth live in a state of constant dissatisfaction and profound bitching, whining and complaining. It seems to me that most of what we do in this world is about managing this infinite hole of lack of contentment. The way we eat, the way we dress, the way we relate and the way we live. It's all about managing this deep and insatiable well of misery. At this point many people would say - why do you have to be so negative? Think positive. This is dark, evil and gloomy and I don't like it. But I must go on. And I'll tell you why. Denying that many of us are suffering does us no good. If we can't be honest we can't really be living. We're just pretending and faking. And why do that? Most of us are miserable and suffering, and you can add me to that. Now, my question is... is this just "the way it is"? Or is this just a big fat lie? Can we live and exist differently or is this the only option we have? Can we figure this thing out? Or do we just wait around until we drop dead like so many of us claim we want? (Ironically only to find that when we find ourselves on the brink of dying we want to clutch on with all we've got to our source of misery.) Am I being clear or does this all sound like a bunch of bogus? Anyway, I started writing this because I was considering something. I was considering these crazy ups and downs that many of us seem to go through in life. Great times and terrible times. Not the natural ones, but the one's we kind of have control over. Why do I go back and forth between being all happy and fit to being a depressed bub that is all out of shape? Why do I swing from being in massive emotional and financial crises to being financially well and emotionally okay? How unavoidable are these things really? How under our control are they? None at all - as most of us probably think. OR a lot more than we think? I was on YouTube watching celebrities talk about their ups and downs and their relationship dramas and difficulties with balance and love. And I noticed that their lives are no different than mine. The same weight struggles, same passions, same relationship past, same questions and conclusions. Same beliefs, ideas, opinions and all that. Maybe not to their minutest details, but very similar nonetheless. Anyway, I'm not supposed to be on YouTube right now, I'm supposed to be working on a curriculum for a set of after-school classes. I'm not even supposed to be writing this right now. Now I know, that what we expect is that these things do not happen. When I'm supposed to be working, I'm supposed to be working. So my question was: even though it is not a fact that that we are always doing what we're "supposed" to be doing because it just doesn't tend to happen that way - does that mean that that's just "the way it is"? Or is that inaccurate? In other words... well wait... let me backtrack. One of my greatest "realizations" that I've been most proud of has been the fact that just because we believe, think or want something to be a certain way doesn't mean that that's the way it is. Pretty basic, right? So I think I should always be productive and in-the-moment, right? But that's just "not reality" so it won't happen because that's just "not the way it is." So my question now is... is this true? Are we inevitably bound to the "law" of things not being the way we wish and hope they would be? Or can we actually reach such ideals? Ugh - it's difficult to express. (But you never know, I may have been a lot more clear than I think I have) The point is this: I'm supposed to be doing work. I'm not doing it. It bothers me. Is this just the way it is? Am I just a mediocre employee? Are productive people like me? Is it because I'm not getting paid enough? Because I don't really want to be doing this? Because I lack discipline and will? What's really going on? Am I broke and struggling because of something I am doing or not doing? Can I force myself to be something I'm not? Does the future matter? Can anything really be controlled? Is "reality" reality? Ugh, I lost my train of thought... is this just "the way it is"?