Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Control and Need

Losing control was an idea, because I never had it. The freedom I feel of knowing the truth that everybody is free to chose and like what they want is liberating and lovely. I used to think happiness was going to come from controlling outcomes, but now I see with total clarity that happiness comes from seeing truly how things work. People do what they want, like what they like, say what they say and do what they do. There is no controlling anybody. You couldn't keep your parents from lying to you, from abusing you, from misleading you. It's not your fault. There is no controlling life. If your partner wants to venture off out the relationship, he or she will. If your partner doesn't like a certain aspect of your personality or looks, that's just the way it is. You can't teach your lover to love all of you and you can't be angry if your lover fails to completely accept you and love you and like you as you are. It's not possible. You can't make somebody love themselves either and you can't really teach anybody anything. You can't give anything to anybody, you can only live. Living is the only thing we can do - and attempting to control out of fear is a product of not understanding that you are safe and that you don't really need people to love you, understand you, like you, accept you or care for you. Wanting these things are left overs from infancy when you did need these things in order to survive. But once you grow into a greater state of maturity all these needs become imaginary - and they're imprints from your fears as an infant. I need to be loved, I need to be heard, I need to be understood, I need to be accepted, I need to be embraced, I need to be cared for, I need to be trusted, I need to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable, I need to feel warm, all these ideas are deep beliefs that keep us expecting more and more out of others. I need to be respected, I need to be admired, I need to be heard, I need to be seen, I need to be celebrated. I need role models, I need people to look up to, I need honest people, I need true people, I need smart people, I need friends, I need lovers, I need closeness, I need intimacy, I need attention, I need sex, I need comfort, I need consistency, I need safety, I need truth, all these are fear-based, childish demands that we become unconsciously addicted to. I need fame, I need power, I need respect, I need, I need, I need. I need somebody to sleep with, I need somebody to care for, I need somebody to care for me, I need someone I can trust, I need someone who can trust me, I need to get married, I need to have kids, I need to have something, I need, I need, I need. How painful to live a life from here. If I don't get my needs, I won't survive - I am afraid of death. The power of these driving forces is amazing, they literally take over our body-minds. I need to be special, I need to feel special, I need to feel safe, I need to feel secure. I need to feel beautiful, I need to feel admired, I need to feel protected, I need God, I need friends, I need life, I need beliefs, I need thoughts, I need feelings, I need, I need, I need. I need freedom, I need liberation, I need enlightenment, I need rest, I need something. Need drives the whole show. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to see, I need to awaken, I need to survive, I need to love, I need to care, I need to be. I need something, I need a lot, I need a little, I need to doubt, I need to question, I need to ask, I need to learn, I need to gather, I need to describe, I need to talk, I need to write, I need to hear, I need to listen, I need to go, I need to come. Compulsion, compulsion, compulsion. I need to fix, I need to criticize, I need to talk, I need to say, I need to share, I need to save, I need to type, I need to... Need, need, need, need, need. I need to relax, I need to lose weight, I need to balance, I need to stress, I need to get, I need to go, I need to stay, I need... I need to control.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

What I Want / What You Want / What We Want

The Rich and Powerful Ego

I want to have many millions of dollars in the bank. I want to be in very good physical shape. I want to have nice clothes and dress very well. I want to be in a relationship with an attractive, interesting partner to share my life with. I want to have really nice cars. I want a beautiful home decorated to my liking. I want have other homes in different places so I can move around. I want to help other people, I want to have a cause to contribute to. I want to travel the world, get to know people, make great friends. I want to help my family out, put them all in good positions in life. I want to be respected by other people for being who I am. I want to work only when I want to. I want to learn a lot of new things. I want to have a lot of fun, I want to live life to the fullest, I want my life to be great. I want to be comfortable and experience a lot of joy and happiness.

The Normal Ego

I want to have a good job, have a good car, have good friends, have money in the bank. I want to have a nice and comfortable place. I want to live in the town I like the most. I want to have a lot of fun, I want to have a good income. I want to have a good social life, I want to have time to do the things I want to do. I want be healthy, happy and comfortable. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to have a partner that I love and loves me back and that we get along and have almost no conflict. I want to feel good about myself and who I am. I want to have a fun, be comfortable and experience a lot of joy and happiness.

The Spiritual Ego

I want to help others, I want to live simply. I want to have a lot of people that love me and listen to me. I want to have a lot of people trust me and understand me. I want to understand other people. I want to live for a greater purpose. I want to serve God. I want to sacrifice myself for others. I want to be able to go to church and/or do my spiritual practices and rituals. I want to live for God. I want to be nice to the planet, to other people and to myself. I want to live up to my spiritual potential and fulfill my mission on earth. I want to feel like my life really matters and that I am really accomplishing things. I want to recycle, be vegetarian, listen to others, be compassionate and kind. I want to be free. I want to know and live for God.


These are three aspects of the typical human psyche. These are conditioned patterns that we learn when we live in the western hemisphere of the world. These are the typical things our psyches are pursuing. The fact that women like fashion and shoes and men like cars and women and that gay men like fashion and style, etc. are signals of what we culturally value and accept. No matter who you are, if you are from the West, you most likely at some point (not definitely) wanted a convertible car, to visit Hawaii, a pool in your house, to have a great body, to graduate college and have a professional career, desire money to fix your problems, experience a desire to escape to an island, are looking forward to a movie or book that is coming out (usually a sequel to one you have already seen), etc. Many of you want to be famous, known, powerful, stars, etc. Some of you want to be politicians, entrepreneurs, TV personalities, models, actors, dancers, singers, etc.

Some of you just want to have a college degree really badly, to have a good job, etc. All of you think that a great book could be written about the story of your life. Most of you value fun, entertainment and comfort more than you value the cultivation of your own personality and healing and improvement of your ability to relate with the world and others. It's called the American Culture. Fashion, prestige, status, looks, taste and what we call "freedom" are more important than integrity, honesty, dignity, reality and sobriety. Partying and clubbing for many are requirements, social displays of status for most are a must and authenticity is probably something most of us never think about. It's just our culture. It's better to make a friend laugh with a lie than to make him or her cry with a truth. It's better to pretend, than it is to be real. It's better to front, than it is to expose.

Absolutely none of these things are good nor bad. These are just statements of facts of what it is that our society, our culture, our hemisphere prefers to invest its energies in. Every culture has its quirks. The American psyche values above all else, what is known as instant gratification and fun. That is why the incidence of plastic surgery, the success of the entertainment industry, the popularity of fad diets, the demand for liquor and drugs, the addiction to social events, the incidence of credit card debt, the amount of depression, obesity, low self-esteem, addiction, competitiveness and insatiable desires rule our nations. All these, are products of the need of a fix (instant gratification) and the inversion of values (fun before responsibility).

All these factors influence the health of the hemisphere and the health of the planet. Because at large, we humans are a big part of the ecosystem and we have the power to affect and influence our environment greatly, especially since we have so many machines and technologies being powered by our ecosystem. The attitude that the earth is ours and that we do with it what we want is also a typical part of the collective psyche. In fact the three broad ego examples are all based on this principle. Self-centeredness or egocentricity are the core of most of our desires. If we were to switch our notion and values to a place where things would feel more like "I am indebted to the earth" instead of the other way around, the paradigm from which we relate to the planet and each other would shift tremendously and the three above models would look very different. Our concerns, and the center of our beings would be in a state of serving rather than a state of demanding. "What is being asked of me and what is being required of me?" would be the center from which we would operate and not "What do I ask for and what do I require?"

Sure, this would be a different culture by the time the shift has happened. It would be the equivalent of an inversion of the poles of the planet... at least metaphorically speaking.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Sane Crazy

What's up my fellow artist brothers and sisters? I was going to say I wonder how it is for you, but I actually feel I know your hearts and I know I'm not alone. We're afraid of sanity and afraid of insanity, afraid of the deep and afraid of the shallow so we dance somewhere in the middle. Am I wrong? I guess our reactions to the worlds of depth and shallowness define our inner tug of war, our battle with ourselves - and the split drives us crazy and drives us sane depending on where the swing wants to take us. It's like we are slaves of our own chemistry. Aren't we?

We long for perfection, purity and reality and have affairs with imperfection, impurity and fantasy. One minute we're good, the next we're bad and on and on it goes.

I auditioned for The Voice yesterday and as I'm sitting in the waiting room the only question I can ask myself is "What the hell am I doing here?" I guess the inner child is still after his dream of making it big and grand. So here's the demon that keeps me with a foot on the accelerator towards my dream and a foot on the break towards reality. Who am I without this battle? Am I still an artist? Am I still an interesting guy when I take the gloves off?

If there is one thing that defines any great artist, it seems to be the insecurity and self-doubt. Is it not? Why else would one sit in the middle of 15 thousand people looking to be seen and heard. Sure, our childhoods had lacks - did they not? Denial would be the only thing standing in the way of this fact. Creative souls have in common that empty black hole at the core of their beings - a hole we want to make whole by filling it with color. But when are we finished? Is there a finish line?

The hesitation and the push and pull make our voices quite unique, it makes us crack in the middle of a song we've sang well many times before. Do I want this or do I want that? Why am I so confused? We ask. Or don't we? What's holding us back from realizing our greatness? Is it really that we're being told "no" audition after audition or is it really that we simply sabotage our own success. Giving permission to any outside force to define whether we make it or not is a losing proposition. So why not book a few hours at a local recording studio and record that great song we wrote when we were 16? Is it selfish to do that? Or do we deserve it?

Asking is our drug of choice, aside from the occasional cigarette, or occasional drink or wacky choice-making. Why do we stay in our mediocre and shitty waters? Do we like to bitch? Certainly in those of us who seek have a passion for the realization of our potentials, but it's undeniable that at the same time we are terrified of the fact that we will not be any different or any happier when we make it. In fact, the opposite could show true. Ask Whitney or Michael, ask Elvis or Marilyn, as Judy or Kurt. We are deliciously sane and insane at the same time.

We can handle more rejection and withstand way more pressure than the average Joe, because our passion makes us extreme. People either love us or hate us as a reflection of our bipolarity and fear and love. We feel complete, we feel empty. We dance a wacky dance. Yay! I got called back... boo I'm heart broken from not making it to the end. We celebrate our peaks and get the blues through our crashes... we are up and down and up and down. When does it end?

Why don't we embrace our beauty? Why do we fear intimacy so much? We don't we allow ourselves to feel about ourselves the way we feel about the artist we admire most? We certainly are equally talented and passionate. Are we not? We are as unique, as beautiful and as perfectly imperfect as any diva or king out there. Are we not? We are incapable of conforming indefinitely, incapable of adapting for long without going crazy, incapable of keeping our souls to ourselves. We have got to share but fear sharing. What a conundrum.

Sure, there will come a point when the gloves come off and we dance our dance fearlessly. Even if it's too late and all we're left with is regret, but there will come that moment of release from the imbalance and we will navigate the flow of our own integrity. But everybody's timing is different and everybody's day comes exactly when it needs to come. So here's to not beating ourselves up and here's to trusting the grand plot that has each and everyone of us triumphant at the end of the ride. When the hope to see the light at the end of the tunnel vanishes, we know we've arrived... because the darkness and the tunnel are nothing but our own unfolding brains and when the chemical cocktails settle all we'll be left with is a memory of what we went through and we'll have something to share and tell. Not that the sane insanity will stop, but that we will not be fooled by the mirage as easily.

Maturity will save some of us - when our time has come.


Sunday, January 15, 2012

YOU Are Rich!

I don't know what your definition of rich is, but I certainly know mine. From my view if you have a Facebook account and can access it as often as you want, that's enough proof for me that you are rich. If you go to the bathroom in a toilet that you can count will work when you flush it, you are rich. If you drive a car, shop at the mall, go to the movies, eat out, have a cellphone, TV, silverware, food in the fridge, more than two pairs of shoes, a variety of clothing, if you can afford to travel, if you can eat when you are hungry, if you have options that exceed your need for mere survival, to me, you are rich.

The reason why I feel and know myself to be rich is because I have way, way, way, way, way, way more than what a "poor" person has. To me, if you are not poor (go days being hungry, no decent living standards - such as decent shelter, clothing, food, options) then chances are you are rich.

There are so many rich people with poor mindsets, so many rich people who don't even notice it, people who would laugh if someone else called them rich. The reason why I know I'm FILTHY RICH is because I've seen and experienced many DIRT POOR people. By contrast, I am a drowning in an overabundance of wealth.

I've lived next to people who didn't have a TV, fridge or even a floor! Their shower was an old beat-up hose that was connected to some neighbors water supply. They didn't know what owning a bicycle was, let alone a car. I have seen poverty, people who have to gather logs and light them up while they put whatever food they can find in a can and throw it on the fire while they cough from the smoke the logs create. I have seen people having to take a dump in a hole in the ground. I have seen people having to go days without eating a decent meal, I have seen children whose only nourishment is sugared water because there isn't enough money to buy them a slice of bread.

I AM RICH! And if you are reading this SO ARE YOU! The fact that you have gone decades without noticing doesn't take away the fact that you are. People who have choices to throw a cute outfit together are rich, period. Have you ever gone by a river and smacked your garments on a rock to wash them? Or do you just go to your finished basement and throw your clothes in a washing machine? If you don't know poverty you don't know richness.

We live in a culture of spoiled morons who make 40K a year and are single and they consider themselves anything but rich. Why because you're not Oprah Winfrey? Wake the up and smell the coffee... the coffee your machine makes for you, not the coffee you have to gather, dry, mash and put through your husbands old sock so you can have a drink of it. YOU ARE RICH AND SO AM I and that's the end of the story. Wake up.

As long as it is true that in this world there are MILLIONS of people who have NEVER owned and will never own a TV, a car, a cellphone, a computer, etc. in their lifetime and you and I do... suck it up brat, we're rich. Donald Trump and Oprah are billionaires but that doesn't remove the fact that you and I are rich. God, we're spoiled!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Wake Up (Not Spiritually)

Everybody is already spiritually awake, that's more than clear to me. Everybody is enlightened, alive, awake and pure. That's how I see it. Where people are dreaming and sleeping is in their minds and emotions. Most of us are dreaming of fame, fortune, soul-mates, vacation, perfection, freedom, beauty, love, compassion, peace, heaven, wonder, etc.

Spiritual people especially, people prone to chalking things up to God and having beautiful sayings like "everything happens for a reason," "God will provide," "God's timing," etc. are especially guilty of this.

If you find yourself constantly thinking about the past and how much better or worse it was/could have been/should have been, and/or about the future about how much better or worse it will/could/should be. You are dreaming. If you say things like "I can't wait" excessively and find yourself asking a lot of "Why did that happen that way?" a lot and have thoughts of revenge or are a hope junkie, you are dreaming. If you find the word "hope" to be one of your favorite, you are a dreamer. And sure, Obama used it in the title of that book... but it's all because he knew who he was talking to, people who above all value the American DREAM. (Again, wake up.)

If you are stuck in a notion of "love" similar to the one in the movies you grew up watching, if you are prone to saying and believing saying like "Love conquers all," "All you need is love," "Love will save the day." You are dreaming. If you're constantly thinking about a relationship that ended or are constantly thinking about the relationship mistakes you or your lover make or made, you are dreaming.

The root of most of these dreams is a low self-esteem, low confidence and a really crappy financial life. Financial illiteracy and inverted priorities are the number one reason for being stuck in childish dreams. If how nice your clothes are is more important to you than how organized and clean your room is, you will suffer. If going on vacation is more important than going to the dentist, you will suffer. If going to that concert is more important than paying your electric bill on time, you will suffer. If going to Disney is more important than getting much needed psychotherapy, you will suffer. If going to a party is more important than studying for your next work assignment that requires preparation, you will suffer. If relationship problems are more important than financial problems, you will suffer. If getting hair gel is more important than changing the oil in your car, you will suffer. If buying clothes you don't need is more important that buying groceries, you will suffer. If getting yourself a new computer is more important than helping your struggling mom or dad with a financial issue, you will suffer.

Kids think "me first" - Adults think "my health, my responsibilities, my bank, my bills, my landlord" first.

Kids think "me first" - Adults think "my partner, my children, my house, my family, my friends" first.

DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND. What "me" means at childhood is everything that is within my skin, in other words just what I want, what my body wants, what I want to feel.

To an adult, ME grows. Me doesn't become you and what you want to feel, me becomes your surroundings and the things you need to address, the things that need your attention beyond your physical self. An adult becomes a big self and a kid is a small, individual contracted self. So yes, in reality you should ALWAYS go first, but you must understand that who YOU are is constantly changing. As a child you are just your little body and feelings... seemingly. That's all your limited perception can afford, but as an adult you realize that the ground you are standing on, your FOUNDATION is way greater than just your body and mind. So you start CARING for your WHOLE self and not just yourself. This is growing up... and I think we should raise more awareness on this, because sadly what is happening is that we are getting lost because we don't understand.

There is a chance you don't REALLY understand what I mean by any of this, because writing is limited and so is perceiving -- so do not make the mistake of being sure you understand what I mean. If you want clarification, ask while I am alive and available to answer - do not jump to conclusions. I may mean something totally different than what you THINK I mean. Ultimately I am talking about maturity, responsibility and control.

If you are curious and have questions - I am here to answer. If not, congratulations on having it together or I hope you learn this stuff in your path, sooner rather than later. The world doesn't seem to be able to afford many more adult children... it's very destructive. Good luck!

Who Would I Be Without Myself?

Without the sagelike silence of my own soul
Who would I be?
Without the impartial voice of pure consciousness
What would be of me?

A conformist, I never could be
My inner voice speaks too loudly
Unique and authentic
Only the voice of my heart
The light that I am grows

Each time I hear it
I seek nothing
For I lack nothing
This, my voice knows

Without my voice I'd have to depend on foreign voices
I would have to use songs and feelings that I did not write or feel
I would have to depend on advice of beings that most likely failed

No one knows more than I what I'm here for
No one knows more than I what I want
No one knows more than I who I am
Not my mother, not my father - they don't touch my own essence

No one knows exactly what I need to hear as I do
No one is more enlightened for my own life than I am

The same applies to you
If you have the courage to realize

Children need authority
Adults don't

Free yourself and write your own songs
Stop borrowing feelings from others
Create your own life
Do not use others to create it for you

Create your own religion
Just like the great ones did
Create your own genre
Your own book

Stop borrowing already
Live your life from your heart

After all...
Who would you be without yourself?
... Absolutely nobody