Monday, May 11, 2015

What No One Talks About

Last night a part of me died. A really big part of me. The part of me that believes that I can control how other people see me, the part of me that thinks that how others see me is who I am, the part of me that thinks that I can actually define and understand myself in an absolute way. I got engaged to my boyfriend Dariusz last night, and I did it because my heart wanted it. But the fear I had of committing in such a way, the fear of possibly being rejected, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being alone. All of the fears that I imagine most of us have but hate to admit. They were all on the line when I opened that potato and showed him the ring. It was amazing. Darek, being the silly man that he is, of course said "let me think..." and I kneeled there in suspense, like a five year old waiting for an answer. Time froze, I panicked, I anxiously looked and him and waited in terror. "Yes," phew what a relief! It felt like the 31 years of built up trauma and contraction had released. And suddenly everything made sense again. I would say I'm a hopeless romantic, but that would be labeling myself. I am, however, a very relieved man. The sense of liberation I feel is astounding, and in truth, I'm not sure it has anything to do with him, although he sure is a nice bonus. I feel, it has all to do with me and my willingness to keep putting myself on the line no matter what. My willingness to lose face and make a fool out of myself in the eyes of others. My willingness to suspend my fears and keep on moving. Last night a huge chunk of my ego fell. It fell because it had me spinning for years telling me that the only spouse I should commit to was it. It was telling me that all my life was to be devoted to it, because it had helped me and protected me through so much. Nothing was more jealous or possessive of me than this ego. It is the same ego I see in many. The ego that tells you not to answer the phone, because you don't feel like it. The ego that tells you to sit in front of your computer doing nothing for hours. The ego that tells you to not trust anyone or anything but itself. The ego that wants to own and consume every second of your time. The ego that makes one self-centered, narcissistic and removed, isolated and detached. No more. No matter what happens, no matter what's next. No more letting it take all my time and attention. No more being all about these false promises about being rich and famous and the best at stuff. No more wanting to stick out, separate myself and be all holy and special and stuff. So much ice has melted and continues to melt. I feel so humbled and so connected. And the most shocking thing of all is that I don't feel "good." I feel great, but I don't feel good at all. I feel honest, I feel connected, I feel alive. And yet I feel defeated, depressed and out of control. It's a weird paradox really. The story of my life - confusing self with ego and how inextricably close those two things got. On the one hand all this peace, clarity and serenity and on the other this cocktail of confusion and depression. It can't just be from this lifetime, and it can't just be about love. It's not so simple to express. It's this entity of energy that has longed for millenia to be liberated, this energy of loss and pain. This energy of anguish and confusion, the energy of ambivalence and insanity itself. I've kept having this experience of "why me?" why am I worthy of so much given grace? And of course that was the ego fighting and resisting its dissolution. It's just time and here it is. I hesitate to make this a huge deal, because even though it really is, it really isn't. It's everything and nothing as many of my poems say. It's the biggest greatest thing and less than nothing at all at the same time. It's the energy of relief. The energy of the stomach opening and the heart sinking into place and the cells dancing joyfully. I don't have to pretend anymore, I don't have to self-hate. The quirky and unpredictable human that I am gets to be embraced and accepted and no longer be a project. It gets to express freely, have all his feelings and be allowed to exist without resistance. That's it, when I act stupid, it's fine. When I act whatever, it's okay. I am allowed. No longer do I have to think about what anything means. No longer are there connections and knowings that pretend to be real. The mind is nothing. It's just pretending to be something. I choose love. I choose peace. I choose joy. I choose quiet. I choose silence. I choose Dariusz, and it's done. Last night a big part of me died. And I'm so glad it did.