Giving Thanks

I feel so much gratitude, it is literally killing my ego and triggering tears of healing.

THANK YOU:

To God and all celestial benevolent beings, who have been keeping me safe and sound. I feel you every instant because I believe in you.

To my beautiful self, Gabriel Weiner, for being infinitely curious, inquisitive, sincere, honest and consistent in his love of truth.

To my strong and beautiful mother and father, Angela Jáquez and Paul Weiner, for having brought me into the world and for not letting me die (and for not killing me) when I was under their care.

To my siblings, Fannette Guillen, Benjamin Weiner, Aaron Weiner and Andres Weiner, for having made my childhood and beyond so rich and interesting. For being such great teachers in my life.

To all my teachers and professors, for tackling such an incredibly challenging and underrated task and for giving me more than any store ever has.

To my great, great timeless friend Susana Dominguez, for being an incredible partner on the journey.

To my amazing voice teacher, Mark Baxter for being an unbelievable possibility model.

To my wonderful exes, Lindsay Majewski, Phil Bonnachi, Anabel Valdez, Marcelo Dotel & Sandro Morales for having been such amazing teachers and companions along the way.

To my extremely clear main spiritual guides, Adyashanti, Cheri Huber and Mukti. I always come back to you for a reason.

To my amazing fiancé Dariusz Kulesza for being loyal, humble, dependable, reliable, loving and strong... not to mention, cute and sexy. I love you.

To Daniel Sullivan, Moises Dominguez, Ana Dominguez, Vivian Sullivan and Isabelle Dominguez for making my Saturday nights so special.

To Rossanna, Leylanie and Baby Paul for being amazing additions to the family.

To all of my students, for trusting me and giving me more than I could ever give them.

To all my friends.

To Boaz Givon, Mor Givon, Emma Givon, Romy Givon for making my Tuesdays and Thursdays so joyful.

Thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for giving me so much. Thank you.

Gassho.

The Way of The Ego

Think of egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate as a pernicious program that has been installed in the head of every human being. It operates much like a virus on a computer.

Now, when your computer slows down due to a virus, do you say "Darn it! This computer has a virus that is slowing it down" or do you say "Darn it! This computer is so slow!"?

If you're like most people, you probably say it the second way. But language really matters.

If you say  "this computer is slow," there's really not much you could do. Yet if you say "this computer is being slowed down by a virus," you have the option of installing an anti-virus and making your computer run efficiently again.

Does that make sense?

Now, if you had a really clever and highly effective virus in your computer - this virus would be installed and operating in a way where it literally blends in and gets concealed extremely well into the essence of your computer. This way, you really wouldn't stand a chance of seeing that the problem isn't really with your computer.

And that's exactly how egocentric karmic conditioning/self-hate is.

Let me give you a example of something that just happened for me, so you can get a sense of what I'm talking about...

Normally I work by myself, but today I had someone working really close to me making phone calls and doing some work on the computer.

It didn't take long before I started to feel annoyed and frustrated that this person was here and I started thinking of this person as an "annoying weirdo who needs to calm down and learn how to behave like a normal human being."

By grace (and thanks to a lot of spiritual practice) I was able to see almost immediately after having that thought, that this thought was put into my system by the ego. And rather than going along with ego and thinking that it was actually me that thought that, I said to myself "Oh! There's ego doing what it's done for most of my childhood, teenage and adult life. There it is trying to ruin my experience of life again. There it is doing all it can to confuse me."

Then I thought, "Wow, it's amazing how the ego wants me to be alone and un-triggered and unchallenged for all of my life, so that it can be alone with me acting like it's the supreme ruler of my life." And then I wondered "Is there ANYTHING that isn't wrong for the ego?" Answer: No. For ego EVERYTHING is a little TOO much this or TOO little that. Everything and everyone SHOULD this or SHOULD that. (Hint: when you hear TOO or SHOULD in your head, become very, very alert and notice ego is judging and trying to control your life!)

To ego there is something wrong with EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. Nobody or nothing is 100% adequate and exactly as it should be. To ego EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY should be different, even if just a little. To ego I need to change, my fiancé needs to change, my parents need to change, my siblings need to change, my friends need to change, my boss needs to change, my life needs to change, the government needs to change, the world needs to change. And of course, according to ego, if I stop thinking like this, I am in SERIOUS trouble. If I don't want things to change, I am dead, I won't make progress, I won't succeed in life and I won't get ANYWHERE.

To ego, there is a SOMEWHERE to get to and that somewhere certainly is NOT here!

Of course, once the ego reads something this and immediately says "So you think there is something wrong with change?" Answer: nope, but not everything needs to! Ego also says: "So you think there's something wrong with having goals and going somewhere?" Answer: nope, but it's not something that needs to go on neurotic, insane, auto-pilot, gotta-have-it, hyper anxious mode.

The point is that to ego this, right here, right now is always lacking. And the only time when this, right here, right now is okay is when the ego says so. And ego only says so if it has me completely to itself. When it has me indulging in some deadening behavior that leads to numbness and what the ego calls "relaxation" ego is quiet. When it has me indulged in some form of entertainment and short-lived pleasure ego is quiet. Ego only shuts up and when it being 100% fed by my system. Ego always has a problem when things aren't being done its way. Ego only likes the people who line up with its world. Ego cares about itself. And worst of all, ego has found a way to tell us, that ego is who we are!

What a travesty! UNTIL you install the anti-virus of spiritual practice. Only with it, do we stand a chance at reclaiming our lives from this nasty tyrant that drains us of most of our life force.

The incredible power and cleverness of ego is really not to be underestimated. I'll share another little bit to illustrate what I mean by its power:

In previous stages of my life, ego had me convinced there was something wrong with me and that I was worthless and useless. When I started doing spiritual practice in earnest, I slowly took away the ability of ego to convince me that any of that was true. I woke up out of that amazingly tricky and compelling evil trick of ego and freed myself from believing any awful thing about myself. But EGO CAME BACK! Because ego is just like the bad guy in Terminator. When you think you've defeated it, it doesn't take long before it pieces itself back together and comes back a completely new form to fool you. How it came back for me? It came back telling me that I was wonderful, better than everyone else, special and amazingly indispensable and talented! What it lead to: arrogance, wanting people to give me credit and appreciate the gift that I am, anger when someone else was complimented and I wasn't (jealousy), competitiveness, center-of-the-universe thinking and a sense of being the only one on the planet who knew what I knew. And yes, initially this inflated sense of self felt way better than all those years of deflation and depression, but honestly, it wasn't really long before I started to suffer just as much for believing I was better than for believing I was worse. They're both lies of ego. And what I've found is that ALL EGO LIES HURT AND CREATE SUFFERING FOR MYSELF AND FOR OTHERS.

Gassho.

Relationships As Spiritual Practice - Part 1

I still want the same exact things I wanted when I was a kid, I want to be loved exactly as I am and I want to be loved well. I want attention, affection, appreciation and respect. I want to be seen as perfect and incapable of doing anything wrong. I want to be treated with kindness, warmth and admiration. I want to be seen as a miracle and as a gift. I want to be seen as a genius, I want to be treated like a king. That's sort of how it went for me as a kid. Perhaps when I was younger it was as simple as when I started the paragraph, and as things went on, things escalated a bit. I don't know.

Today I'm in a beautiful relationship with a lovely person who, like all my previous partners, challenges me in ways that really bring me to the edge of my relational capabilities. So for this and many other reasons, I consider relationships, one of my main forms of spiritual practice. A spiritual practice, that I must say has afforded me with the greatest opportunities for growth and healing to date.

For whatever reason, I find myself in a deeply committed relationship with a person who drives the mightily spiritual and righteous ego that started to control me a very long time ago. And according to such spiritual ego, the reason why my sweetheart drives me nuts is because spirituality and self-development aren't at the top of his list of priorities. So when he is eating a bunch of cookies, watching "reality" TV shows for hours, drinking his third beer and saying that it would be really nice if he had a cigarette, spiritual ego tells me that it's time to go nuts. Because all of this is certainly a sign that there is something terribly wrong with him and with our relationship. Of course.

If only he were like ME, the spiritual, sensitive and enlightened master that I am, I would have no problems and our relationship would be perfect. Of course it would.

Now, in case it's not blatantly clear, I am being sarcastic. Not towards you, but towards this ginormous spiritual ego that has run the show for the better part of my 31 years of life in this particular incarnation. It's a tragedy really, what this clever mastermind ego has done.

If you're like most people, after reading the small vignette I have shared about my sweetheart, you would think that he's a monster. And the truth is, he is not a monster at all. Like him, I have my vices and ridiculous habits too (marijuana, video games, computer, chips and so on... also did I mention I was a smoker?). Thing is, of course the spiritual ego doesn't point those out to me. All the ego tells me is that I'm pretty much flawless or at least in the process and on track to being that way and my sweetie is not. And best of all, the spiritual ego "knows" that for a fact.

See why relationships are great spiritual practice? When you're really, really paying close attention, and when you're being really, really honest, you can start to see the painful problem. If spirituality becomes at all about being righteous, we have completely missed the point. And that's why a close, intimate, committed relationship can be so good for a serious spiritual person.

You get to see things like just how much the ego exaggerates and demonizes people's traits. Especially the people you are closest to and love the most (my sweetie is not a heavy smoker, drinker or lazy fat person). You get to see how ego works full time to take all the beautiful things away from you. You get to see how to ego there is something wrong with EVERYTHING. You get to see how ego throws projections on the screen of your awareness that are designed to make you suffer and that couldn't be farther from the truth. You start to get to see how ego is doing all it can to bamboozle you. You start to see how black or white ego thinking really is. You start to see how an empowered spiritual ego is the most evil force on the planet. And I mean that for real.

Righteously judging your partner hurts and creates serious suffering, righteously judging your partner is a very cruel and seriously damaging practice. One that can only be stopped once we see it for what it really is. And here's what I found...

I didn't get what I wanted when I was a kid. I didn't get it at all. I wasn't treated well, I wasn't unconditionally loved and I wasn't embraced and seen as a beautiful gem. And I am pissed about it. Because I am so pissed, I refuse to give it to my love and I refuse to give it to anyone else. Fuck them. If no one loved me, why should I love anyone? If I was righteously judged for wanting more toys, loving video games, eating junk food and sneaking out of the house to see soap operas - why the fuck should I give my fiancé a pass? Fuck him and fuck everyone, if I suffered for being who and how I am, so should he and everybody else in this world. If there is something wrong with me, there is also something wrong with everybody. My job is to pass on my pain, to pass on my hurt, to get even, to seek revenge and to hate the world. That's what I need to do. That's my function as an ego, that's my mission as a spiritual ego... but of course I'll call it "tough love," of course I'll say my intention is "good." Of course I'll claim I'm doing it to protect you. Of course I will. I'll do that so I can go on. I'll do that so that with my "good" intentions I can continue on building my road to hell and seeking retribution. I'm the spiritual ego, that's just what I do.

So psychotic and so illuminating. Wouldn't you say?

The point is that I want to get, and I don't want to give. I want my love to listen to me, accept me as I am and praise my every effort. But I don't want to do that for him at all. I want him to give me what I wanted as a child, but I don't want to give him any of that. He should go first, and MAYBE I'll go second... if he's lucky and knows how to ask in the perfect way.

Ego is a lunatic. Enlightened ego is even worse.

I feel so blessed to be able to see it for what it is and not indulge it. I feel so blessed to be able to recognize what my partner wants. What he wants is what I wanted and still want. To be loved and accepted exactly as I am. To be trusted. To be heard, to be seen and to be cherished and valued. And that's where the edge of my practice lies right now.

Gassho.

Not trading being human for being spiritual

I have no way of proving much of what I say, truth be told I'm too lazy to prove anything. I go more by gut feeling, I follow a feeling or a sense I get inside, I ride a wave to the best of my ability and sometimes I screw up royally.

And here's what I wanted to write. The spiritual path has a sort of progression. And I don't know if any of this is true, but here's my sense. You're human, you either suffer or come up with a deep and great question somehow and then you become spiritual. When you become spiritual, you get lost and forget you're human. Time plays a huge part in all of this, even though not many people seem to be talking about it. It's not convenient and people don't like to hear it I guess. But this stuff takes yeeeears. Then you get feel weird being spiritual and something doesn't ring as true. Something itches and bothers you. And then you want to be human again but you feel guilty and you feel like you're going backwards. You're afraid you're going to go back and be the same dude you were when you first started. Bullshit. You won't. But somehow your brain shuts down and doesn't let you or something.

Then you have no clue what's going to happen. And even though that was always the case, you never saw it so clearly and it never bothered you as much as it does now. Growth starts to feel weird and counter-intuitive and definitely not fun. You become human again.

Don't trade being human for being spiritual... even though it might be an inevitable step, keep going until you're human again.

Not special in my supposed lack of specialness.

Funny how as I grow, I see more and more how not alone I am in the things I used to be embarrassed about. I used to hate the fact that I had become hardened, arrogant and pretentious. I used to hate how egocentric, narcissistic and stubborn I had become. But the more I open my eyes, the more I see that it's just part of the socialization part for many of us.

I love the enneagram system. It's really helped me see how I am just a type of human with certain propensities somewhat unique to my type, yet there are millions like me. From what I understand I am a type 4 with a 3 wing - and I've been able to identify, spot and recognize many like me. But that's just one language. Human expression is INFINITE but conditioning is finite - and let's face it, we're all conditioned! Along similar lines, because we have a limited set of narratives and a limited set of conditioned archetypes.

As I see it, freedom is sensing the unconditioned and understanding the coexistence of the conditioned with the unconditioned.

Even all this writing is a set of conditioning, a language and a way of framing that is limited to my understanding, experience and knowledge. And while those things are infinite our ability to express them is finite at any given moment. I am always amazed that someone could read this and get very close to exactly what I mean, it's amazing!

Unconditioned to unconditioned and conditioned to conditioned.

Heart to heart, mind to mind.

Beatiful.

Gassho.

Waking up is growing up.

Abandoning magical thinking, seeing through delusions. Seeing reality without a rigid filter. Learning how life works. Facing fears and seeing them for what they are - imaginary unquestioned assumptions that create unpleasant sensations. Letting go of our deep rigid ideas and conclusions about life - including our parents and world. Dropping into the body and ending the codependent sick relationship with the mind. Living from and as something that is not ego, but rather a field of possibilities and love. Quitting the ego dreams, promises and illusions. Outgrowing the cookie-cutter social standards. Being in the world but not of it. No longer being afraid of the Wizard of Oz. Walking through the imaginary fire that swears it will consume us but only ends up consuming our ego. Not pushing ego away or trying to get rid of it. Accepting the human. Accepting life, sickness and death. Embracing the totality. Being humbled beyond the point that the separate self wants to, no longer being a me.

This is all waking up. All growing up.

No drama. No emotion. No bullshit.

Just acceptance.

No fake bliss. No fake joy. No fake nothing.

Just reality. Just what is.

No posing, faking, lying.

Just honesty. Just truth.

No fascinating stories. No outlandish beliefs. No crazy rides into the stratosphere.

Just here. Just now. Just this.

No more chasing. No more addiction. No more craving, hoping and longing.

Just right here, right now and that's it.

It's not great, it's not terrible it's not nothing, it's not everything. It's just breathing and being simply alive. No digging, no reaching, no greed. Just plain and simply awareness and life.

What Happened When I Quit

We're seldom, if ever, taught about the benefits of NOT doing something. My experience is that we're often taught in a way that goes more like this: do more of this and you'll get that. It works out for commerce, it works out for capitalism, it works out for the economy.

When was the last time you heard do less of this, refrain yourself from doing that? In church, you say? Yes - but you heard it in a context mired with guilt and shame. All from a fear-based standpoint - not from a loving place. Kind of reminds you of your parents - doesn't it? Haha.

All joking aside, the whole point of this entry is for me to share a bit of what happened when I abstained/quit/refrained/diminished/eliminated the following behaviors.

What happened months after I quit (after the horrible withdrawal)...

Smoking cigarettes - food tasted better, my breathing and breath improved. My skin smelled and looked better, I felt less depressed and more connected and alive.

Sugar - food tasted better, life became more enjoyable and colorful. I became more present and aware of my feelings and emotions. I would get satisfied more quickly with food.

Social media - life became more "real." I became more real. I no longer had a "hungry ghost" feeling about me. My spiritual practice became richer, deeper and fuller. I started to connect more with people. I felt more alive, energetic, passionate and skilled in practical matters. All areas of my life improved. I was no longer "half" there. I became a better friend, brother, son and teacher. I had more time for what I love.

Porn - my sex life with mi fiancé became richer and more intimate. After about two months masturbation became richer, a more connected and healing and spiritual self-loving experience.

Worrying - way less stress, way more enjoyment, better life.

More on all of this later :-) Bye for now.

The Waves

The waves of writing take over yet again. The gates have swung open yet again. And none has been under my control. What a predicament to feel so real yet no be. To feel and believe that one is in control when there is no one at all. It's all so cryptic yet so clear. To a soul that has seen it, that is. I am writing yet I'm not and that paradox drives the false I insane. But when is the false I sane, if ever? I say never. For the insane believe that the unreal is real and it reacts to such beliefs. Its behavior gets taken and influenced. God please take me. Sanity go ahead and take the wheel. For the madness is depressing this system to a point of disgust that can't be spoken. There is no argument. None at all.

Is "reality" reality?

Boy, growing up can certainly feel like a big old wake-up call. Funny I say that, because for a while I've been quite interested in the idea of "waking up" spiritually. The phrase "spiritual awakening" must have been one of my favorite ideas ever. And that's probably because of the low background suffering that I've lived with all my life. Yes, suffering. I know it sounds dramatic, but I would be lying if I called it anything other than that. I reiterate that it is indeed suffering because a lot of people seem to downplay what I'm talking about simply because it's become "normal." So much so that many don't even feel or are aware of what I'm talking about. "It's just life," many say. But let me convince you - since I want to. Do you often hear others and even yourself say things like "Life's a bitch and then you die"? How about "people are selfish"? What about "People are evil"? How about "we are all slaves"? Or what about just your plain everyday "life sucks"? Sound familiar at all? Same-old-shit, I'm sick of this life, why does it have to be so difficult, this world is hell... familiar yet? Hey - maybe it's just me, and maybe I just assume that it's everybody. But I don't think I'm so off that I would imagine that many people on this earth live in a state of constant dissatisfaction and profound bitching, whining and complaining. It seems to me that most of what we do in this world is about managing this infinite hole of lack of contentment. The way we eat, the way we dress, the way we relate and the way we live. It's all about managing this deep and insatiable well of misery. At this point many people would say - why do you have to be so negative? Think positive. This is dark, evil and gloomy and I don't like it. But I must go on. And I'll tell you why. Denying that many of us are suffering does us no good. If we can't be honest we can't really be living. We're just pretending and faking. And why do that? Most of us are miserable and suffering, and you can add me to that. Now, my question is... is this just "the way it is"? Or is this just a big fat lie? Can we live and exist differently or is this the only option we have? Can we figure this thing out? Or do we just wait around until we drop dead like so many of us claim we want? (Ironically only to find that when we find ourselves on the brink of dying we want to clutch on with all we've got to our source of misery.) Am I being clear or does this all sound like a bunch of bogus? Anyway, I started writing this because I was considering something. I was considering these crazy ups and downs that many of us seem to go through in life. Great times and terrible times. Not the natural ones, but the one's we kind of have control over. Why do I go back and forth between being all happy and fit to being a depressed bub that is all out of shape? Why do I swing from being in massive emotional and financial crises to being financially well and emotionally okay? How unavoidable are these things really? How under our control are they? None at all - as most of us probably think. OR a lot more than we think? I was on YouTube watching celebrities talk about their ups and downs and their relationship dramas and difficulties with balance and love. And I noticed that their lives are no different than mine. The same weight struggles, same passions, same relationship past, same questions and conclusions. Same beliefs, ideas, opinions and all that. Maybe not to their minutest details, but very similar nonetheless. Anyway, I'm not supposed to be on YouTube right now, I'm supposed to be working on a curriculum for a set of after-school classes. I'm not even supposed to be writing this right now. Now I know, that what we expect is that these things do not happen. When I'm supposed to be working, I'm supposed to be working. So my question was: even though it is not a fact that that we are always doing what we're "supposed" to be doing because it just doesn't tend to happen that way - does that mean that that's just "the way it is"? Or is that inaccurate? In other words... well wait... let me backtrack. One of my greatest "realizations" that I've been most proud of has been the fact that just because we believe, think or want something to be a certain way doesn't mean that that's the way it is. Pretty basic, right? So I think I should always be productive and in-the-moment, right? But that's just "not reality" so it won't happen because that's just "not the way it is." So my question now is... is this true? Are we inevitably bound to the "law" of things not being the way we wish and hope they would be? Or can we actually reach such ideals? Ugh - it's difficult to express. (But you never know, I may have been a lot more clear than I think I have) The point is this: I'm supposed to be doing work. I'm not doing it. It bothers me. Is this just the way it is? Am I just a mediocre employee? Are productive people like me? Is it because I'm not getting paid enough? Because I don't really want to be doing this? Because I lack discipline and will? What's really going on? Am I broke and struggling because of something I am doing or not doing? Can I force myself to be something I'm not? Does the future matter? Can anything really be controlled? Is "reality" reality? Ugh, I lost my train of thought... is this just "the way it is"?

What No One Talks About

Last night a part of me died. A really big part of me. The part of me that believes that I can control how other people see me, the part of me that thinks that how others see me is who I am, the part of me that thinks that I can actually define and understand myself in an absolute way. I got engaged to my boyfriend Dariusz last night, and I did it because my heart wanted it. But the fear I had of committing in such a way, the fear of possibly being rejected, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being alone. All of the fears that I imagine most of us have but hate to admit. They were all on the line when I opened that potato and showed him the ring. It was amazing. Darek, being the silly man that he is, of course said "let me think..." and I kneeled there in suspense, like a five year old waiting for an answer. Time froze, I panicked, I anxiously looked and him and waited in terror. "Yes," phew what a relief! It felt like the 31 years of built up trauma and contraction had released. And suddenly everything made sense again. I would say I'm a hopeless romantic, but that would be labeling myself. I am, however, a very relieved man. The sense of liberation I feel is astounding, and in truth, I'm not sure it has anything to do with him, although he sure is a nice bonus. I feel, it has all to do with me and my willingness to keep putting myself on the line no matter what. My willingness to lose face and make a fool out of myself in the eyes of others. My willingness to suspend my fears and keep on moving. Last night a huge chunk of my ego fell. It fell because it had me spinning for years telling me that the only spouse I should commit to was it. It was telling me that all my life was to be devoted to it, because it had helped me and protected me through so much. Nothing was more jealous or possessive of me than this ego. It is the same ego I see in many. The ego that tells you not to answer the phone, because you don't feel like it. The ego that tells you to sit in front of your computer doing nothing for hours. The ego that tells you to not trust anyone or anything but itself. The ego that wants to own and consume every second of your time. The ego that makes one self-centered, narcissistic and removed, isolated and detached. No more. No matter what happens, no matter what's next. No more letting it take all my time and attention. No more being all about these false promises about being rich and famous and the best at stuff. No more wanting to stick out, separate myself and be all holy and special and stuff. So much ice has melted and continues to melt. I feel so humbled and so connected. And the most shocking thing of all is that I don't feel "good." I feel great, but I don't feel good at all. I feel honest, I feel connected, I feel alive. And yet I feel defeated, depressed and out of control. It's a weird paradox really. The story of my life - confusing self with ego and how inextricably close those two things got. On the one hand all this peace, clarity and serenity and on the other this cocktail of confusion and depression. It can't just be from this lifetime, and it can't just be about love. It's not so simple to express. It's this entity of energy that has longed for millenia to be liberated, this energy of loss and pain. This energy of anguish and confusion, the energy of ambivalence and insanity itself. I've kept having this experience of "why me?" why am I worthy of so much given grace? And of course that was the ego fighting and resisting its dissolution. It's just time and here it is. I hesitate to make this a huge deal, because even though it really is, it really isn't. It's everything and nothing as many of my poems say. It's the biggest greatest thing and less than nothing at all at the same time. It's the energy of relief. The energy of the stomach opening and the heart sinking into place and the cells dancing joyfully. I don't have to pretend anymore, I don't have to self-hate. The quirky and unpredictable human that I am gets to be embraced and accepted and no longer be a project. It gets to express freely, have all his feelings and be allowed to exist without resistance. That's it, when I act stupid, it's fine. When I act whatever, it's okay. I am allowed. No longer do I have to think about what anything means. No longer are there connections and knowings that pretend to be real. The mind is nothing. It's just pretending to be something. I choose love. I choose peace. I choose joy. I choose quiet. I choose silence. I choose Dariusz, and it's done. Last night a big part of me died. And I'm so glad it did.