It's pretty obvious that there doesn't seem to be a single human being on the planet who isn't in a search for something beyond the material. Even self-proclaimed atheists and so-called materialists whether in denial or not, have an intrinsic curiosity toward the otherworldly. To me, that's just a fact, why? Because I have never personally met or even read about anyone who hasn't been intrigued by the whole notion of there being something more to life than what we can see.
Sure, there are people that go into a denial that is so deep that they use the power of their own beings to suppress and hide their innate curiosity. Perhaps there are even some people who haven't awoken to their latent spiritual curiosity, but the fact to me is that we all have an inner calling towards what most of us like to call God. The way I see it, atheists have it too. Why else would somebody be so adamant in their insistence that something does "not" exist. What is it that they are denying? I always use the example of how I never create a label around not believing in Santa Clause. I just don't believe that Santa is real, period. I don't call myself an "asantaist." To do that would be to be showing an unusual interest in Santa, which would be funny because it would probably have something to do with me actually believing in Santa.
Now, I'm not saying that every atheist believes in God deep down, perhaps some people have come to their own realization that there could not be this singular and distinct entity called God. They may argue that there is no such thing as extremes, that things are not black or white - that those are primitive and simplistic ways of looking at things because it violates the laws of relativity and so on. I'm really just interested in making it a point that we are all called to explore life in a way that goes beyond what we consider possible. That's all.
Where else would all religions come from? Where else would all philosophies and arguments come from? We are curious AND uncertain about many things in life. To me, that's just the plain truth.
The point of proving this is basically explaining and clarifying mostly for myself and hopefully for others where my spiritual quests, journeys and paths have come from. I'm just human, and it's in our nature to inquire and be curious about the unknown. Lucky for me, this was never really shut down totally. I've always been a curious bighead peeking deeper and deeper into everything. With this incessant curiosity and with this relentless personality I have driven a lot of people to the edge of temporary insanity. I have driven my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister, my lovers, my friends, my teachers and even acquaintances crazy - most of all I have driven myself to actual insanity, leading me to be institutionalized.
Yes, my love for God has driven me crazy. It has created many paths, quests, confusion, angst and every other emotion and non-emotion that I could imagine. I have laughed, cried, sang and remained quiet and everything in between. My thirst for God and my passion for discovering the truth has made me a very awkward and strange individual. Even though on the exterior to some I may seem completely normal, I could assure you that I have been far from it. My dysfunction as an ego in this society according to its standards has been pretty pronounced. I have only managed to get myself in a lot of trouble and have independently accomplished very little so far. At least in my eyes. For others the story might be completely different. I am speaking from within me and being truthful in my feelings.
The truth is that at 27 years-old I still feel like a child that has used the whole world in order to fulfill his needs. At first my needs were spiritual, then my needs became material and egoic and finally they mostly became spiritual again. At this last stage I leaned on various spiritual teachers. The teachers are really too many to mention but my greatest attachment and clinging were on two (in my eyes) wonderful teachers by the names of Mark Baxter and Adyashanti. I have carried what I've been able to collect of their minds and I have depended on the knowledge of these teachers like a kid learning to ride a bike depends on the training wheels. Mark Baxter has been my right wheel and Adyashanti has been my left.
The immense fear of letting go of these training wheels perfectly resembles the fear I had of letting go of my actual training wheels. I was terrified and horrified more than any of my other brothers seemed to be (I have no way of knowing the truth about their situation, but it seemed like it was a lot easier for them.) Yes, I realize that this is all good and well and natural, but the other good and well and natural thing to do is to let go.
And as terrified and horrified of never referring to either of my teachers as I am, I feel naturally inclined to release the grip of dependency today. Yes, today on May 4th, 2011 I declare myself spiritually independent and I abandon myself to myself completely. No more external authorities, no more religion, no more external seeking. I am left alone with myself for I feel sure that I have everything I need directly inside and even though I may not be an expert at accessing my own inner wisdom, I know that true learning can only happen when one lets go of one's crutches.
I have a long way to go in all the different levels of my development, but one thing is for sure: this declaration and this acceptance of myself as my own spiritual teacher will make things a lot easier for me. I will no longer be waiting around to hear what Adyashanti has to say and I will no longer be waiting for Mark Baxter to reply my e-mails. It doesn't mean that Adya and Mark won't be in my life anymore, it means that they have gone from being my teachers to being my friends. Friends who I love and appreciate deeply and find myself deeply interested in, but now I am individuated from them and I will no longer seek their approval.
This is as relieving as it is terrifying yet the time has come for me. My journey has come to a fruition that demands that in order for there to be more growth I step into my heart and become the leader of my own life. Sadly most people never arrive at this point but now I can be here for others in a way that I could never be before, so yes, I accept my duty to be present for those on the path of which today I step off of.
My life is pathless, my steps create the illusion of a journey that even I do not fully comprehend. I declare myself spiritually satisfied. And yes, it is the greatest satisfaction of all!