Not special in my supposed lack of specialness.

Funny how as I grow, I see more and more how not alone I am in the things I used to be embarrassed about. I used to hate the fact that I had become hardened, arrogant and pretentious. I used to hate how egocentric, narcissistic and stubborn I had become. But the more I open my eyes, the more I see that it's just part of the socialization part for many of us.

I love the enneagram system. It's really helped me see how I am just a type of human with certain propensities somewhat unique to my type, yet there are millions like me. From what I understand I am a type 4 with a 3 wing - and I've been able to identify, spot and recognize many like me. But that's just one language. Human expression is INFINITE but conditioning is finite - and let's face it, we're all conditioned! Along similar lines, because we have a limited set of narratives and a limited set of conditioned archetypes.

As I see it, freedom is sensing the unconditioned and understanding the coexistence of the conditioned with the unconditioned.

Even all this writing is a set of conditioning, a language and a way of framing that is limited to my understanding, experience and knowledge. And while those things are infinite our ability to express them is finite at any given moment. I am always amazed that someone could read this and get very close to exactly what I mean, it's amazing!

Unconditioned to unconditioned and conditioned to conditioned.

Heart to heart, mind to mind.

Beatiful.

Gassho.

Waking up is growing up.

Abandoning magical thinking, seeing through delusions. Seeing reality without a rigid filter. Learning how life works. Facing fears and seeing them for what they are - imaginary unquestioned assumptions that create unpleasant sensations. Letting go of our deep rigid ideas and conclusions about life - including our parents and world. Dropping into the body and ending the codependent sick relationship with the mind. Living from and as something that is not ego, but rather a field of possibilities and love. Quitting the ego dreams, promises and illusions. Outgrowing the cookie-cutter social standards. Being in the world but not of it. No longer being afraid of the Wizard of Oz. Walking through the imaginary fire that swears it will consume us but only ends up consuming our ego. Not pushing ego away or trying to get rid of it. Accepting the human. Accepting life, sickness and death. Embracing the totality. Being humbled beyond the point that the separate self wants to, no longer being a me.

This is all waking up. All growing up.

No drama. No emotion. No bullshit.

Just acceptance.

No fake bliss. No fake joy. No fake nothing.

Just reality. Just what is.

No posing, faking, lying.

Just honesty. Just truth.

No fascinating stories. No outlandish beliefs. No crazy rides into the stratosphere.

Just here. Just now. Just this.

No more chasing. No more addiction. No more craving, hoping and longing.

Just right here, right now and that's it.

It's not great, it's not terrible it's not nothing, it's not everything. It's just breathing and being simply alive. No digging, no reaching, no greed. Just plain and simply awareness and life.

What Happened When I Quit

We're seldom, if ever, taught about the benefits of NOT doing something. My experience is that we're often taught in a way that goes more like this: do more of this and you'll get that. It works out for commerce, it works out for capitalism, it works out for the economy.

When was the last time you heard do less of this, refrain yourself from doing that? In church, you say? Yes - but you heard it in a context mired with guilt and shame. All from a fear-based standpoint - not from a loving place. Kind of reminds you of your parents - doesn't it? Haha.

All joking aside, the whole point of this entry is for me to share a bit of what happened when I abstained/quit/refrained/diminished/eliminated the following behaviors.

What happened months after I quit (after the horrible withdrawal)...

Smoking cigarettes - food tasted better, my breathing and breath improved. My skin smelled and looked better, I felt less depressed and more connected and alive.

Sugar - food tasted better, life became more enjoyable and colorful. I became more present and aware of my feelings and emotions. I would get satisfied more quickly with food.

Social media - life became more "real." I became more real. I no longer had a "hungry ghost" feeling about me. My spiritual practice became richer, deeper and fuller. I started to connect more with people. I felt more alive, energetic, passionate and skilled in practical matters. All areas of my life improved. I was no longer "half" there. I became a better friend, brother, son and teacher. I had more time for what I love.

Porn - my sex life with mi fiancé became richer and more intimate. After about two months masturbation became richer, a more connected and healing and spiritual self-loving experience.

Worrying - way less stress, way more enjoyment, better life.

More on all of this later :-) Bye for now.

The Waves

The waves of writing take over yet again. The gates have swung open yet again. And none has been under my control. What a predicament to feel so real yet no be. To feel and believe that one is in control when there is no one at all. It's all so cryptic yet so clear. To a soul that has seen it, that is. I am writing yet I'm not and that paradox drives the false I insane. But when is the false I sane, if ever? I say never. For the insane believe that the unreal is real and it reacts to such beliefs. Its behavior gets taken and influenced. God please take me. Sanity go ahead and take the wheel. For the madness is depressing this system to a point of disgust that can't be spoken. There is no argument. None at all.

Is "reality" reality?

Boy, growing up can certainly feel like a big old wake-up call. Funny I say that, because for a while I've been quite interested in the idea of "waking up" spiritually. The phrase "spiritual awakening" must have been one of my favorite ideas ever. And that's probably because of the low background suffering that I've lived with all my life. Yes, suffering. I know it sounds dramatic, but I would be lying if I called it anything other than that. I reiterate that it is indeed suffering because a lot of people seem to downplay what I'm talking about simply because it's become "normal." So much so that many don't even feel or are aware of what I'm talking about. "It's just life," many say. But let me convince you - since I want to. Do you often hear others and even yourself say things like "Life's a bitch and then you die"? How about "people are selfish"? What about "People are evil"? How about "we are all slaves"? Or what about just your plain everyday "life sucks"? Sound familiar at all? Same-old-shit, I'm sick of this life, why does it have to be so difficult, this world is hell... familiar yet? Hey - maybe it's just me, and maybe I just assume that it's everybody. But I don't think I'm so off that I would imagine that many people on this earth live in a state of constant dissatisfaction and profound bitching, whining and complaining. It seems to me that most of what we do in this world is about managing this infinite hole of lack of contentment. The way we eat, the way we dress, the way we relate and the way we live. It's all about managing this deep and insatiable well of misery. At this point many people would say - why do you have to be so negative? Think positive. This is dark, evil and gloomy and I don't like it. But I must go on. And I'll tell you why. Denying that many of us are suffering does us no good. If we can't be honest we can't really be living. We're just pretending and faking. And why do that? Most of us are miserable and suffering, and you can add me to that. Now, my question is... is this just "the way it is"? Or is this just a big fat lie? Can we live and exist differently or is this the only option we have? Can we figure this thing out? Or do we just wait around until we drop dead like so many of us claim we want? (Ironically only to find that when we find ourselves on the brink of dying we want to clutch on with all we've got to our source of misery.) Am I being clear or does this all sound like a bunch of bogus? Anyway, I started writing this because I was considering something. I was considering these crazy ups and downs that many of us seem to go through in life. Great times and terrible times. Not the natural ones, but the one's we kind of have control over. Why do I go back and forth between being all happy and fit to being a depressed bub that is all out of shape? Why do I swing from being in massive emotional and financial crises to being financially well and emotionally okay? How unavoidable are these things really? How under our control are they? None at all - as most of us probably think. OR a lot more than we think? I was on YouTube watching celebrities talk about their ups and downs and their relationship dramas and difficulties with balance and love. And I noticed that their lives are no different than mine. The same weight struggles, same passions, same relationship past, same questions and conclusions. Same beliefs, ideas, opinions and all that. Maybe not to their minutest details, but very similar nonetheless. Anyway, I'm not supposed to be on YouTube right now, I'm supposed to be working on a curriculum for a set of after-school classes. I'm not even supposed to be writing this right now. Now I know, that what we expect is that these things do not happen. When I'm supposed to be working, I'm supposed to be working. So my question was: even though it is not a fact that that we are always doing what we're "supposed" to be doing because it just doesn't tend to happen that way - does that mean that that's just "the way it is"? Or is that inaccurate? In other words... well wait... let me backtrack. One of my greatest "realizations" that I've been most proud of has been the fact that just because we believe, think or want something to be a certain way doesn't mean that that's the way it is. Pretty basic, right? So I think I should always be productive and in-the-moment, right? But that's just "not reality" so it won't happen because that's just "not the way it is." So my question now is... is this true? Are we inevitably bound to the "law" of things not being the way we wish and hope they would be? Or can we actually reach such ideals? Ugh - it's difficult to express. (But you never know, I may have been a lot more clear than I think I have) The point is this: I'm supposed to be doing work. I'm not doing it. It bothers me. Is this just the way it is? Am I just a mediocre employee? Are productive people like me? Is it because I'm not getting paid enough? Because I don't really want to be doing this? Because I lack discipline and will? What's really going on? Am I broke and struggling because of something I am doing or not doing? Can I force myself to be something I'm not? Does the future matter? Can anything really be controlled? Is "reality" reality? Ugh, I lost my train of thought... is this just "the way it is"?

What No One Talks About

Last night a part of me died. A really big part of me. The part of me that believes that I can control how other people see me, the part of me that thinks that how others see me is who I am, the part of me that thinks that I can actually define and understand myself in an absolute way. I got engaged to my boyfriend Dariusz last night, and I did it because my heart wanted it. But the fear I had of committing in such a way, the fear of possibly being rejected, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being alone. All of the fears that I imagine most of us have but hate to admit. They were all on the line when I opened that potato and showed him the ring. It was amazing. Darek, being the silly man that he is, of course said "let me think..." and I kneeled there in suspense, like a five year old waiting for an answer. Time froze, I panicked, I anxiously looked and him and waited in terror. "Yes," phew what a relief! It felt like the 31 years of built up trauma and contraction had released. And suddenly everything made sense again. I would say I'm a hopeless romantic, but that would be labeling myself. I am, however, a very relieved man. The sense of liberation I feel is astounding, and in truth, I'm not sure it has anything to do with him, although he sure is a nice bonus. I feel, it has all to do with me and my willingness to keep putting myself on the line no matter what. My willingness to lose face and make a fool out of myself in the eyes of others. My willingness to suspend my fears and keep on moving. Last night a huge chunk of my ego fell. It fell because it had me spinning for years telling me that the only spouse I should commit to was it. It was telling me that all my life was to be devoted to it, because it had helped me and protected me through so much. Nothing was more jealous or possessive of me than this ego. It is the same ego I see in many. The ego that tells you not to answer the phone, because you don't feel like it. The ego that tells you to sit in front of your computer doing nothing for hours. The ego that tells you to not trust anyone or anything but itself. The ego that wants to own and consume every second of your time. The ego that makes one self-centered, narcissistic and removed, isolated and detached. No more. No matter what happens, no matter what's next. No more letting it take all my time and attention. No more being all about these false promises about being rich and famous and the best at stuff. No more wanting to stick out, separate myself and be all holy and special and stuff. So much ice has melted and continues to melt. I feel so humbled and so connected. And the most shocking thing of all is that I don't feel "good." I feel great, but I don't feel good at all. I feel honest, I feel connected, I feel alive. And yet I feel defeated, depressed and out of control. It's a weird paradox really. The story of my life - confusing self with ego and how inextricably close those two things got. On the one hand all this peace, clarity and serenity and on the other this cocktail of confusion and depression. It can't just be from this lifetime, and it can't just be about love. It's not so simple to express. It's this entity of energy that has longed for millenia to be liberated, this energy of loss and pain. This energy of anguish and confusion, the energy of ambivalence and insanity itself. I've kept having this experience of "why me?" why am I worthy of so much given grace? And of course that was the ego fighting and resisting its dissolution. It's just time and here it is. I hesitate to make this a huge deal, because even though it really is, it really isn't. It's everything and nothing as many of my poems say. It's the biggest greatest thing and less than nothing at all at the same time. It's the energy of relief. The energy of the stomach opening and the heart sinking into place and the cells dancing joyfully. I don't have to pretend anymore, I don't have to self-hate. The quirky and unpredictable human that I am gets to be embraced and accepted and no longer be a project. It gets to express freely, have all his feelings and be allowed to exist without resistance. That's it, when I act stupid, it's fine. When I act whatever, it's okay. I am allowed. No longer do I have to think about what anything means. No longer are there connections and knowings that pretend to be real. The mind is nothing. It's just pretending to be something. I choose love. I choose peace. I choose joy. I choose quiet. I choose silence. I choose Dariusz, and it's done. Last night a big part of me died. And I'm so glad it did.

Control and Need

Losing control was an idea, because I never had it. The freedom I feel of knowing the truth that everybody is free to chose and like what they want is liberating and lovely. I used to think happiness was going to come from controlling outcomes, but now I see with total clarity that happiness comes from seeing truly how things work. People do what they want, like what they like, say what they say and do what they do. There is no controlling anybody. You couldn't keep your parents from lying to you, from abusing you, from misleading you. It's not your fault. There is no controlling life. If your partner wants to venture off out the relationship, he or she will. If your partner doesn't like a certain aspect of your personality or looks, that's just the way it is. You can't teach your lover to love all of you and you can't be angry if your lover fails to completely accept you and love you and like you as you are. It's not possible. You can't make somebody love themselves either and you can't really teach anybody anything. You can't give anything to anybody, you can only live. Living is the only thing we can do - and attempting to control out of fear is a product of not understanding that you are safe and that you don't really need people to love you, understand you, like you, accept you or care for you. Wanting these things are left overs from infancy when you did need these things in order to survive. But once you grow into a greater state of maturity all these needs become imaginary - and they're imprints from your fears as an infant. I need to be loved, I need to be heard, I need to be understood, I need to be accepted, I need to be embraced, I need to be cared for, I need to be trusted, I need to feel safe, I need to feel comfortable, I need to feel warm, all these ideas are deep beliefs that keep us expecting more and more out of others. I need to be respected, I need to be admired, I need to be heard, I need to be seen, I need to be celebrated. I need role models, I need people to look up to, I need honest people, I need true people, I need smart people, I need friends, I need lovers, I need closeness, I need intimacy, I need attention, I need sex, I need comfort, I need consistency, I need safety, I need truth, all these are fear-based, childish demands that we become unconsciously addicted to. I need fame, I need power, I need respect, I need, I need, I need. I need somebody to sleep with, I need somebody to care for, I need somebody to care for me, I need someone I can trust, I need someone who can trust me, I need to get married, I need to have kids, I need to have something, I need, I need, I need. How painful to live a life from here. If I don't get my needs, I won't survive - I am afraid of death. The power of these driving forces is amazing, they literally take over our body-minds. I need to be special, I need to feel special, I need to feel safe, I need to feel secure. I need to feel beautiful, I need to feel admired, I need to feel protected, I need God, I need friends, I need life, I need beliefs, I need thoughts, I need feelings, I need, I need, I need. I need freedom, I need liberation, I need enlightenment, I need rest, I need something. Need drives the whole show. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to see, I need to awaken, I need to survive, I need to love, I need to care, I need to be. I need something, I need a lot, I need a little, I need to doubt, I need to question, I need to ask, I need to learn, I need to gather, I need to describe, I need to talk, I need to write, I need to hear, I need to listen, I need to go, I need to come. Compulsion, compulsion, compulsion. I need to fix, I need to criticize, I need to talk, I need to say, I need to share, I need to save, I need to type, I need to... Need, need, need, need, need. I need to relax, I need to lose weight, I need to balance, I need to stress, I need to get, I need to go, I need to stay, I need... I need to control.