Caring

I saw this happen with me and I see it happen all the time with so many people. The minute we stop feeling cared for, for whatever reason it is (usually because we seem self-sufficient enough to others), we start to get cold.

For me and many others, it happened when our parents met another lover that wasn't our parent. Many times by then, we are bigger and more able to take care of ourselves and some of our parents tend to forget to prioritize us and care for us because they are crazy with a hormone called oxytocin along with a mindset that makes them regress into a teenage like state where they subconsciously go "It's MY turn, I did enough for these boogers - I tried hard enough - I'm going to give myself a chance to be happy with this man - they're old enough."

Notice I said subconsciously, not intentionally. And believe me, this story is SO common, you wouldn't believe it. Basically it happens in at least half the cases where the parents end up getting divorced.

The kids somehow get a message of "you don't matter so much" and then the kids go into a state of apathy and coldness as a defense mechanism to survive. All of this happens, again, subconsciously.

The only reason why I can see this and illustrate so simply is because, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. And the reason why I write it is because I think talking about this is very important.

Parenting is no easy feat, and no parent neglects their child when they are in their right mind. But it is very difficult to be in your right mind when you gave birth to kids of a person that was also not cared for and has patterns of coldness and apathy way beyond their conscious awareness. And no easy feat to run on fantasy for the first few years of your marriage and then wake up hungover from all that fantasy seeing the aloof, absent and detached person that you married and bore kids to.

The human condition can get very dicey and complicated and our wiring doesn't care about any of these stories. It's a lot more simple: don't receive care, you get cold and apathetic and start to think in very distorted and strange ways.

Being cared for is as important as food, education, clothing, shelter, water, sleep and sunlight. Not receiving adequate amounts of care lead to all sorts of strange thinking, behaving and self-destructive patterns that become adaptations.

Our bodies depend on certain needs, not all of which we readily understand. The need to be cared for, understood, validated, heard, appreciated, included and accepted are a lot bigger than we realize. The catch is if we aren't receiving those things, we aren't learning how to give them. And when people give them, many times we are skeptical and incapable of receiving them.

So the solution is not easy. Many times genuinely caring people get misconstrued as people with agendas - an idea we often internalized when a step parent or a new lover of our parents came in. And sometimes these strangers that we perceive as invaders of the family mean well and sometimes they don't. To a kid who is missing the warmth and attention of their parent, it usually doesn't look good no matter what.

So parents, be careful with how you introduce and transition a new step parent or lover into the life of your children and adult children, consider these principles and seek therapy and support groups. The goal is to end up with at least one or two truly caring people in your life. People that easily and willingly care about you and people that you easily and willingly care for.

In city cultures, like in NYC, this is not easy to find. I have met and spent time with so many people who have a severe deficit of caring. I know, because I am one myself. But the good news is that seeing I am not alone has really inspired me to take the first step and be there for someone else as best as I can. Often times I am received with great skepticism or if the people are gay they assume there's a sexual agenda behind my friendship. It's really sad what's happening with us humans.

The other thing is this: clicking like on a post, commenting your condolences with a black heart emoji or using that stupid new feature where you react to a person's text - none of those go deep enough to establish a true connection with anyone. People need to feel like they matter a little bit more than getting a double tap on their Instragram post or a star emoji. That's like giving someone a spoonful of fluff or icing when they need a three course meal.

Call a friend, make a date to hangout with them, listen to them when they talk, surprise them at their job, connect with people with all the sense and not just sight and sound.

And for God's sake, don't fall into this infinitely reductive digital screen fluff of connection where the most you can do is hold the text down and pick a reaction from a list that pops up. Nothing irritates this caring deprived hopeless human race lover more!