A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of staying with my brother, his wife and their 11 and 4 year-old. During my stay, my mother came to visit from the Dominican Republic and I got the opportunity to observe how all this self stuff works. I feel so lucky and grateful.
Here's what I saw... so my nephew who was then 3, but is now 4 seems to prefer junk food over whole foods. Now his father, mother and my mother (his grandmother) all obviously prefer that he eat wholesome foods because as grown-ups we understand whole foods are more nutritious and nourishing. Of course my nephew doesn't understand nor care about that. He's a 4 year-old.
Anyway, here's what I saw and how it clicked for me that there isn't nearly as much of a self as most of us seem to believe... My mother, with all her good intentions is trying to get him to eat actual food... but he's still being stubborn and throwing a tantrum that he wants the sugary and unhealthy stuff.
And it was around this time when mom turns to me and tells me something to the effect of: "He doesn't like real food, he only likes junk."
Something about when she said this made it very clear to me that what she was referring to as "He" was his supposed "self," but really, "he" is just a human with a tongue and a brain that are susceptible to addiction. Processed sugar is a highly addictive drug - when we give it to very young humans, their taste buds and digestive and biochemical systems trigger a chain of effects that sooner or later become cravings for the substance.
So is it that "He" (his "self") prefers processed sugar over wholesome foods or is it that his body is addicted to a substance completely unbeknownst to him? And here's where excessive "selfing" begins. His parents and peers tell him "YOU only like junk food" (When the fact really is: your body has been repeatedly exposed to an addictive substance and now it is craving more of it). Repeat and drill the idea that it is "YOU" (whatever that is) that loves junk food, and now we have a self that actually believes that "he" is a junk-food lover.
And the same goes with so many other things. "YOU" like this cartoon. "YOU" like this color. "YOU" like to drive me crazy. "YOU" like to manipulate. "YOU" don't like to read. "YOU" don't listen. "YOU" are... "YOU" aren't...
Before you know it, these messages get repeated and reinforced so many thousands of times and it all starts so early that it just keeps piling up and being recorded in a way that creates a seemingly solid self that was never real to begin with. And all I keep thinking about is all of the years of meditation and self-inquiry that are necessary to get dismantle this innocently created mess.
For me, when I was a kid, my mom and my dad used to look at me and tell me stuff about "myself" that to this day baffle me. And maybe that is how I was able to remember and see this innocent process happening. Because I would see the baffled face on my nephew when he would be told certain things. Kind of like "huh?" Followed by "I have no idea what you're saying, but you sure do sound really convinced and you're an adult, so you must know what you're talking about."
And that power differential is what tends to get the young child to buy and accept and embrace these false aspects of themselves. And as anyone who has looked at human development and psychology enough knows, it won't be long until the child actually starts to play that role to fit in with the family. A role that more often than not becomes a self for a long time.
Hopefully that little vignette is clear on how I've made sense of the "there is no self" teaching. Basically we are all just animals who are assigned names and then these names become the containers of a bunch of aspects of ourselves, none of which are ultimately real. Just like our name isn't actually who or what we are, neither are such acquired conditioned aspects of the "self." They are all just adaptations.
At some point, if we're lucky, we start to look at all this stuff and try to get to the bottom of what is actually so for us in a more organic way. I haven't found we ever completely get rid off all the stuff that was given to us by others who were and are there as we grow and develop, but I have found it is possible to get by with a lot less than was given to us. Especially the heavy stuff. And boy was I given some heavy shit to carry. Thank God, I don't feel I have to carry those heavy loads anymore.
By the way, the picture I posted is a Dominican doll that is faceless - it points to how the Dominican people don't have a specific face because they were colonized and populated by so many different races and cultures. In a way, I thought it went along with the no-self theme.
Lastly, I still do feel and think there is SOMEWHAT of a self, just one that is a lot more rudimentary and simple than we realize. I believe every animal, cell, tree, human has somewhat of a self - that self is what makes it an individual. And I believe that is what most humans are disconnected from, their basic, more real and true rudimentary self. I think that's what deep spirituality is trying to take us to. To that primordial, essential, basic self. And I believe we all share the same self, except we all are unique expressions of it. To get there, we either first have to realize that universal Self or we have to see through enough of the false created self. It takes a degree of maturity and interest in really getting the the bottom of who am I really - which is an interest that doesn't arise until one is ready. :)
Gassho (this expression represents two hands coming together in front of the chest, each hand representing a heart. "My heart and your heart are one" - that is what the meeting of the hands represents)
Namasté (this expression means the light of the universal Self in me honors the light of the universal Self in you. Or you could say God - I replaced the word "God" for universal Self this time.)
Best wishes.
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