Forgive Yourself

We all screw up. A lot. It'd be great if we knew that we were screwing up in the midst of our screwing up, but it just doesn't work that way. And would it be great? Would we ever really learn if we didn't fall hard? I don't know.

 A part of my fantasy has always been that we all just "know better" - but would that really be ideal? Or is it better that we, in fact, don't know better, think we do and then fall on our faces and learn?

Is there a designer to the way this all works? A God that intentionally planned for all of this to be this way? A God that decided that we would get cocky, act in ignorance thinking we were fully aware and then look back and feel like an ass?

I don't know - and I don't think it matters. I think that what matters more is that when we wake up out of an ignorant phase where we thought we knew what we were doing, we act with great compassion and kindness towards ourselves.

And I know this is very hard to do when we have a long history of being shamed when we made a mistake. We really don't need to keep doing that. So you royally screwed up (acted a fool, said yet another big fat lie, sabotaged a great relationship, made a dumb investment, treated someone like crap or whatever other dumb thing you did) - OK. It's true, it hurts. It's true, you feel like a total ass. But do you need to beat yourself up and keep perpetuating the shame? Do you really need to keep telling yourself that you're such an idiot and that you should have known better?

You didn't know better. Now you have the opportunity to learn what you didn't know then. But you can only harvest the fruit of that hard-won learning experience if you're able to get past the self-hatred and ongoing shock and disbelief you have about having been such a fool.

We are all fools. And that's the thing that is so hard for us to get. We keep lying to ourselves telling ourselves that someone out there that we respect and look up to a lot is not a fool. And we tell ourselves that we should and could be like them. The thing is... that person you look up to and admire is also a fool. You just don't want to let yourself know that because then you won't be able to keep fantasizing about one day not being a fool. If they're also a fool, you can no longer keep buying time to hopefully one day be no longer a fool like them.

I know this for two reasons. One, I happen to keep on falling for the sticky trap of idolizing and idealizing certain people. I swear up and down they are not fools like me. I swear up and down that if I could just be them I would no longer be a fool. I project a highness onto them and I fall for it over and over again. Two, I happen to be aware that some people look up to and idealize and idolize me. They swear up and down I am not and cannot be a fool like them. They are wrong. But they won't allow themselves to know that. Again, because that takes away their naive hope that they so deeply and desperately cling to. The hope that not being a fool is actually possible.

The day that you or me won't be a fool won't come. The day that your or my idols won't be fools won't come. That's true because we are all fools.

The only way one can successfully not be a fool is by being an idea in someone's head. But hang out with that person long enough (move in with them) and the reality will replace the idea and you will see a foolish human sooner rather than later. I repeat, the only way to not be a fool is to be an idea or an image in someone's head. And the only way to maintain that image is by having very limited contact and closeness with the real human person that this wishful thinking idea represents.

Idols are just that, idols. Not real people. And all real people have foolishness as a component of their humanity. All kinds of foolishness.

As crushing as this is for the naive little child inside of us, it is very important that we come to terms with that truth. And I am not saying it is easy. We have invested a lot of energy into fantasizing about being extraordinary or believing in extraordinary people. We have put a lot of our eggs into that basket. But the truth is that people are just people. And all people have many flaws.

Now, this is not to excuse any of your shitty, stupid or dumb behavior. And it's also not to give you a pass into not paying attention to your way of moving through life. This is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. It is far from that.

This is more an invitation to forgive yourself and accept the shitty actions, attitudes and beliefs and opinions you've held in the past and to see them as natural waves in the development of a human, for the sake of continuing to develop and grow as a human.

Just because we are all fools and just because we will always be fools doesn't mean we can't continue evolving and growing and becoming more conscious, appreciative and humble people as the process of maturity keeps taking place. It's just that this process of maturity literally cannot happen as long as we continue being unforgiving and self-shaming of our inherent fallibility.

And again, just because we'll never be fully perfect, doesn't mean we can't be earnest and sincere in our desire to continue to grow and evolve as much a possible. Just because "nobody's perfect," doesn't mean we can't tap into our deep desire to every day be a more honest, humble, kind, sincere, empathetic, compassionate and reliable person. Sure, none of us will ever get perfect at it, but all of us can grow, one baby step at a time. We can all move more and more into the side of the spectrum that represents the values that through many generations we have come to know as goodness.

Is it easy to transform and grow in this direction? Not necessarily. Does it get easier with practice? Yes, over time. Can we do it alone? To a certain extent, but like with anything else, doing it with proper support makes it more effective. Can we forgive ourselves for our past transgressions? When we're ready, yes, just not before we get over the fact that we have all been and continue to be vulnerable to being an ass.

I write this because I know many of us struggle with self-forgiveness. And I write this because I know it is possible to make this struggle a little less difficult. The key is wanting to be compassionate and gentle with oneself more than wanting to be self-condemning and vindictive with ourselves.

The nice bonus is that the more magnanimous we get with ourselves, the more magnanimous we get with others. Over the years I've learned that we can only be as forgiving and understanding of others as we can be forgiving and understanding of ourselves. And I've learned that self-forgiveness and forgiveness of others is always completely worth it. You won't get cash and prizes for it. Not at all. Life and other people will be as challenging as always - but at least you'll live the rest of your time on this planet with less of a burden on your shoulders, with less pressure in your head, with less of a burden in your body, with less of a monkey on your back.

So give it a try, forgive yourself.